![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
I hate venting. Sometimes, though.....sigh. I get tired of being static. Head above water. I feel so totally adrift with no where else to go. I used to be this very outgoing person. I'm not shy, I'm still capable of being socially active, I just don't care to anymore. I used to thrive on the ability to talk to anyone about almost any topic. I ran a promotions company that allowed me to do what I liked to do in a professional way. Go to clubs, books techno djs, hob knob with industry folk. "be the cool" person behind the scenes.
All while working my little managerial job at Best Buy...the safe little heaven I've known for five years. Again stangtent. I've been an ostrich in the sand about Eric's health. Not wanting to depress myself any further about treatments. Is that right..probably not. But if I continue to do detailed research on effect of chemotherapy, all this stupids little odds, it just makes me ill.
We both know that he's got a shorter than average life..what 10 years maybe? 15? We tend to stay at home all the time. I don't feel like going out anymore. I sort of just at a stand still with my life. The desire to go fourth with a career use my Journalism degree..but for what? To work 60 hours and never see Eric? To be tied down to a job and never enjoy life? But what do I do??
Nothing. I've become some hermit. And I'm okay with..in some odd sort of way. But I'm bored and things are way too routine for me. I've done a few shows here and there. The New Yeas Eve show is fast becoming a disaster with graphic designers missing deadlines and not enough days left to promote properly and I'm sort in this half way zone of being competitive and damn it...this show is going to be successful!!!!!....to not really caring at all. To let this be the final curtain call of doing club work for 5 years that I've slowly lost interest in.
What do I care about? I love my husband and my mom. I'm obsessed with a tv show and spend a ton of time writing about it. It really brings me joy...one of the few things that does...and I think that is fairly sad.I don't care to keep in contact with most of my friends anymore..barely call my sister who lives her perfect little life now 500 miles away. I'm not feeling sorry for myself...but I think that I am and I hate it. I tend to get all riled up about ppl who constantly complain about stupid crap...and yet what am I doing?
I've become that silly faded white picket fence....and I wonder...do I really care?
All while working my little managerial job at Best Buy...the safe little heaven I've known for five years. Again stangtent. I've been an ostrich in the sand about Eric's health. Not wanting to depress myself any further about treatments. Is that right..probably not. But if I continue to do detailed research on effect of chemotherapy, all this stupids little odds, it just makes me ill.
We both know that he's got a shorter than average life..what 10 years maybe? 15? We tend to stay at home all the time. I don't feel like going out anymore. I sort of just at a stand still with my life. The desire to go fourth with a career use my Journalism degree..but for what? To work 60 hours and never see Eric? To be tied down to a job and never enjoy life? But what do I do??
Nothing. I've become some hermit. And I'm okay with..in some odd sort of way. But I'm bored and things are way too routine for me. I've done a few shows here and there. The New Yeas Eve show is fast becoming a disaster with graphic designers missing deadlines and not enough days left to promote properly and I'm sort in this half way zone of being competitive and damn it...this show is going to be successful!!!!!....to not really caring at all. To let this be the final curtain call of doing club work for 5 years that I've slowly lost interest in.
What do I care about? I love my husband and my mom. I'm obsessed with a tv show and spend a ton of time writing about it. It really brings me joy...one of the few things that does...and I think that is fairly sad.I don't care to keep in contact with most of my friends anymore..barely call my sister who lives her perfect little life now 500 miles away. I'm not feeling sorry for myself...but I think that I am and I hate it. I tend to get all riled up about ppl who constantly complain about stupid crap...and yet what am I doing?
I've become that silly faded white picket fence....and I wonder...do I really care?
